Ja, ja!
by Sad WTF
Summary: A fic about Millenium. Don't read if you're easily offended, lack the divine gift of humor, or hate Millenium. Or else I shoot you in the head. :D YAY! Ch. 7 Up, and now COMPLETE!
1. The Drape Children Started It

Ja, ja!  
  
by Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 1. The Drape Children Started It  
  
---  
  
"You again? I hate you. Leave. You reek of Vienna sausage."  
  
Doc looked around to find a short angry man yelling at a skeleton of a man who looked Austrian. The Austrian started to wail hysterically in the middle of the street as the angry little man ran off in a huff. A bunch of children wearing drapes threw veggieburgers at the Austrian while they sang "Edelweiss".  
  
"Stupid Austrians. I'm glad I'm not one."  
  
Doc jumped away to avoid stepping on the children, then made some exclamation of disgust as a bunch of Nazis marched by, shaking their toned buttocks.  
  
"Stupid Nazis. I'm glad I'm not one."  
  
The Nazis all gasped and looked over, shocked that any self-respecting German wouldn't be a Nazi. Oh, the horror of it all! They were going to tell on him for sure.  
  
Doc walked away with a bunch of groceries, innocently unaware of the evil plans the Nazis were cooking up. Actually, he knew exactly what they were saying. He also knew what was going to happen in this fic, after this fic, and way after everyone who ever read this fic was dead, because he was that much of a genius. But enough about that. Who cares?  
  
"I'm home!"  
  
"Welcome home!"  
  
Doc arrived in his home where his parents and uncles and aunts and all those mandatory beings that were usually around when you were born lived. They lived a surprisingly happy and peaceful life, untouched by those horrible Jehovah's witnesses, telemarketers, and Nazis. But that was changed in almost an instant, when 234098509823 Nazis stomped into the house and killed everyone. Well, everyone, except Doc. Because he's a damned genius. WTF? I don't know.  
  
Piggy jumped out from behind the Nazis as they were about to shoot Doc's magnificent brains out.  
  
"Stop! Don't shoot him, he's a genius! You can just tell by looking at him! I'll make him my right hand man!"  
  
Piggy grinned a toothy grin as everyone else looked at each other. Doc frowned. He wasn't going to be some stupid Nazi working under Piggy.  
  
"I'm not a genius, really. I just pretend to be. Now kill me!"  
  
"Sick no! I've been looking for someone who could make vampires. So you're going to make them for me!"  
  
Doc looked down at Piggy as if he had lost his mind.  
  
"Have you lost your mind?" Doc exclaimed. What an impossible idea this was! "That's completely impossible!"  
  
But Piggy didn't listen. He merely turned around and jiggled, causing everyone to become ill, mentally and physically. Doc folded his arms as the Nazis saluted the fat Major. The Nazis turned and grabbed Doc and dragged him away as sad music played in the background or something.  
  
Doc was dragged to some stupid Nazi base camp full of well, Nazis, and put into a uniform. A bunch of stupid Nazi officers paraded by, causing the Nazis of lower rank to salute them and all that. All the Nazis except for Doc, who was offended and wasn't going to salute some stupid pompous ass who didn't even have half the intellect he possessed, or something that sounds about as important a reason as that. The whole Nazi party screeched to a halt as Sweaty Officer #1 screamed in horror, then pointed his gnarled bony finger in Doc's face.  
  
"Impudent wretch who is alarmingly taller than I am! How dare you not show your respect for me by refusing to salute me!"  
  
Doc frowned and didn't answer, causing Sweaty Officer #1 to go into fits of rage. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the most beautiful and perfect man, whose name happened to be Captain for some reason or another, jumped out from behind everyone to stop Sweaty Officer #1 from shooting Doc.  
  
"Wait, sir! Please be kind to him. He is only deaf!"  
  
Doc looked at Captain as if he were mad, which he might have been. Just not mad in the sense that Doc was thinking him to be. Sweaty Officer #1 nodded in sympathy, even if Captain's claims of Doc being deaf had nothing to do with anything.  
  
"I'm sorry lad. I hope you feel better soon, though! Carry on, everyone!"  
  
Sweaty Officer #1 paraded off in all the siegity heilish flair he could muster, anxious lest he would miss his appointment to beat a certain piggy half to death, but who cares about him. Doc looked at Captain with anger written on his face. Literally. He quickly grabbed a random cloth and wiped the word off. Stupid Nazis and their graffiti. He quickly threw the cloth away and shook his fist at Captain.  
  
"How dare you defend me! I was about to get killed, too!"  
  
Captain stared at Doc as if he had lost his mind, which isn't uncommon if you're a genius.  
  
"Why on earth would you want to die?"  
  
"A Nazi like you would never understand! You... Nazi-ish... Nazi! Person! Thing!"  
  
Captain's eyes filled with tears, and he ran away weeping at the hurtful comment. In the most manly manner possible, of course, because we all know Captain isn't a poof.  
  
Doc frowned as the most uncomfortable feeling of guilt tormented him. Because everyone knows Doc is sensitive underneath all that stuff. You can tell by his Bambi eyes. Sick, WTF. As the guilt continued to eat away at him, he climbed into an oven to burn himself to death, determined to end his life of sorrow right then and there, when he had nothing to tie him down.  
  
Just then, Piggy jumped out of absolute nothing, squealing like a piggy. For lack of better word for description.  
  
"No!!! You can't kill yourself!"  
  
"Are you spying on me or something!?" exclaimed Doc, in utter disgust. "I will do whatever I please!"  
  
"Well, kill yourself after you make vampires, okay?"  
  
Doc snarled at Piggy, who once again turned around and jiggled away. Doc sighed. It looked like he had no choice but to apologize to Captain for his horrible comment and befriend him. Then kill everyone else. Insert evil laughter there or something stupidly cliche like that.  
  
---  
  
...To be continued and all that crap. Many thanks to Rikku, who inspires me. This is for writing your beautifuk fic. SICK! THANK YOU WTF 


	2. Get the Jiggling Away

Ja, ja!  
  
by Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 2. Get the Jiggling Away  
  
---  
  
Piggy jiggled. And jiggled. And then jiggled some more. Piggy jiggled, giggled, and wiggled as he stuffed his face with a bunch of unhealthy crap he believed was food. Just then, Sweaty Officer #1 barged in, causing Piggy to scream in terror and jiggle even more than before. Sweaty Officer #1 started to sweat profusely in disgust, much to the dismay of everyone else, whose tolerance for gratuitous jiggling and sweating had reached its limit.  
  
"Piggy!" bellowed Sweaty Officer #1. "I thought I told you to-"  
  
"Yeah, whatever," interrupted Piggy.  
  
Sweaty Officer #1 raised his fist and realized his smelting stick was missing from it. He quickly grabbed a cane from a helpless passing elderly person (that's how horrible Sweaty Officer #1 was. The bastard), and began his daily ritual of smelting Piggy. But enough about that. Who cares about Piggy? We all care about Doc. (Or Captain) Because I say so, dammit.  
  
**************************************************  
  
Captain was staring at the marvelous array of asterisks which were trying to look like stars in the sky while simultaneously posing as an indication that the scene had changed, while tears poured down his handsome face. His silent agony was unbearable, but such is the life of a greatly misunderstood character. Just then, Doc broke the oh-so-dramatic moment by bursting in in an even more melodramatic manner.  
  
"Captain!"  
  
Captain turned. "How do you know my name?"  
  
Doc paused for only a moment. "I read the fic," He quickly went on before Captain could ask him any questions, "Captain, I'm so sorry about calling you a Nazi. I'm also sorry about calling you a Nazi-ish Nazi. Person. Thing."  
  
Captain smiled a great smile as his whole face beamed with some sort of positive emotion. "Nobody ever apologized to me before."  
  
"Well, I never apologized to anyone before." And that was because he never had to. Doc is that much of a- oh, nevermind.  
  
"We have so much in common," said Captain, confusing the readers and writer alike. "Let's be friends."  
  
"Great idea! Then we can kill Piggy together."  
  
Both laughed heartily, then abruptly stopped when Sweaty Officer #1 walked past with his party of stupid people, dragging Piggy behind him. They all stopped once more when the pair of friends didn't even lift a finger in salute. Sweaty Officer #1 looked at Doc and nodded, knowing his 'ailment'. But he frowned when he found nothing wrong with Captain at all. He quickly stepped forward, the hint of a sweaty outburst beginning on his face.  
  
"You! Insolent person who is alarmingly more handsome than I am! How dare you not salute me like you should've? Are you deaf?"  
  
When Captain didn't answer, Sweaty Officer #1 splashed people around him with his perspiration as he grabbed a gun in rage. Doc quickly stepped forward, with a slightly apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry. My friend here is mute."  
  
Sweaty Officer #1's eyes grew wide in realization. What a simple, yet completely invalid reason! "I'm sorry, lad. I didn't know. Wait," he turned to Doc," I thought you were deaf?"  
  
"I can read lips, of course."  
  
"Oh, yes, of course," stuttered Sweaty Officer #1, "Carry on, everybody. You've all done very well." He almost fell over, and someone in the back had to catch him.  
  
Piggy's eyes gleamed as he looked at Captain. What a beautiful, perfect person. Someone worthy of being his left hand man! He nodded to himself, then promptly was dragged away by Sweaty Officer #1. Captain sighed in relief as the smelly party moved out of sight. "That was close. But I'll never say anything, ever again. At least, when they're around."  
  
There was no time for any other exchanges, because just then, Doc's cellphone rang. Which was rather odd, because cellphones didn't exist back then. But that was how much a genius Doc was! Even though his mental superiority had nothing to do with his possession of a mobile communication device. Unless he built it himself. Yes, that's it. But no matter how he had procured this ingenious machine, Doc answered it promptly.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Doc! It's me!"  
  
"SICK! Hold on a moment, will you?" Doc turned to Captain with his hand over the mouthpiece, about to explain that the individual on the phone was a certain annoying whorish brother of his, when the whole place shook with very loud laughter. Captain covered his ears, and Doc went back to talking to his brother, who couldn't hear Doc over the incessant laughs. Doc screeched in annoyance, as he too couldn't hear his brother. But Captain, even with covered ears, had such amazing hearing, that he could hear every word.  
  
"Your brother is sending his bastard children for you to look after?"  
  
That moment was one of the greatest moments in the 20th century, for three very important things happened right around the same time. Doc screamed. His brother hung up. And a disturbingly smexeriffic manly woman appeared from behind a fence, cursing loudly at the impossibly large group of laughing Nazis around her. Captain was amazed by the sheer number of Nazis that surrounded the woman, but he didn't break his vow of never speaking to anyone who wasn't Doc. Doc, however, made no such vow, and couldn't help but exclaim to the annoyed looking man-woman-thing.  
  
"Who might you be, to be escorted by such a impossible number of Nazis? All laughing for that manner?"  
  
The woman scowled, and grabbed a scythe out of nowhere. She promptly turned and threatened the Nazis with it, and the Nazis quickly took a few steps back, ceasing their laughs for a few moments. The woman quickly turned back to the two, and glared. "I'm Joleen. And I found these stupid Nazis in the road. I came to drop them off at this lost Nazi shelter. And I'm tired of them laughing because they like my jahoobies."  
  
The Nazis all erupted into laughter at her last word. Doc and Captain looked at each other in confusion. Joleen grunted in anger and started to stomp off.  
  
"I'm leaving."  
  
"Oh, no you don't!"  
  
Piggy sprouted from the ground in front of Joleen, as a dramatic chord played from out of nowhere. Joleen kicked Piggy's fat, which jiggled violently. Piggy leered.  
  
"Nobody makes it out of this place alive. I'm sorry, fraulein, but you'll have to become a Nazi. Forever."  
  
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"  
  
"Yes!" laughed Piggy.   
  
---  
  
To be continued, of course. Thank you for your reviews, everyone! I thank Rikku for her little suggestions, and don't worry. More characters will appear soon. 


	3. The Jiggling Follows

Ja, ja!  
  
by Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 3. The Jiggling Follows  
  
---  
  
Piggy jiggled. And then he jiggled some more, even more than he jiggled in the beginning of Chapter 2. Piggy jiggled as he laughed a piggish evil laugh. Sick, Piggy! Piggy jiggled so much that nobody could stand it anymore. Finally, Joleen grabbed him by the feet and threw him into a neighboring lake. People clapped. Then the laughing Nazis resumed their laughing, which upset everyone else greatly. Doc looked left and right and squinted a lot, trying to locate someone. Finally, he grabbed a megaphone out of nowhere and started shouting into it.  
  
"Rip! Rip!!! Where are you? Get over here this instant!"  
  
Rip jumped out of the very lake Piggy had fallen into, disturbed by the jiggling in the water and the mention of her name. She stomped over to where everyone was standing, which really was quite some distance away from the lake, and put her hands on her hips. "How did you know my name?" She demanded.  
  
"I read the reviews," Doc quickly went on before people really started to wonder, "You're going to take the place of Piggy while he's gone."  
  
"I am!? Whoopee! Who's Piggy?"  
  
Joleen piped up, "He's a fat jiggly Nazi."  
  
"Oh, okay. I can do that!" exclaimed Rip, as she attempted to jiggle. Everyone shouted at once, and Doc grabbed her shoulders.  
  
"NO! You were brought here because you don't jiggle. Now knock it off!"  
  
"Yeah. Don't make me throw you back into the lake," said Joleen.  
  
"Well, if you're going to be that way, I'm LEAVING WTF," said Rip, and she marched right back into the lake and didn't emerge from it for another 230948059834 years.  
  
Everything went silent as the laughing Nazis stopped laughing and everyone else stood there looking at each other.   
  
"SICK! What're you waiting for? I'm escaping," said Doc, and he quickly stalked off in a huff, Captain running after him. Joleen looked at the laughing Nazis, and the laughing Nazis looked at Joleen. Joleen quickly ran, and the laughing Nazis ran after her, amazingly laughing without running out of breath. Damn them.  
  
"Damn them," said Joleen, "I wish someone would shoot their heads off or something." But nobody would hear her, and the laughing Nazis soon caught up with her, quickly latching themselves to her and never letting go. Joleen screeched.  
  
**************************************************  
  
Doc and Captain avoided the asterisks that were now posing as troublesome barbed wire as they attempted to escape. All hopes of ever leaving the wretched place were shattered, when two bastard children appeared out of nowhere and landed on Doc.  
  
"SICK! My nephews are here already!" screamed Doc. Captain decided to sympathize with Doc and scream with him, which caused the two nephews to scream as well. Doc slapped the younger one, who was an anorexic freak named Jan. "Be quiet!" Then he punched the more annoying looking pretty one, whose name was Luke. Skywalker. No.  
  
The brothers sobbed and Doc felt bad, so he hugged Jan. "I'm sorry! I will never do that again."   
  
"What about me?" screeched Luke.  
  
"Shut up," said Doc, who hated Luke. Luke is a pansy who thinks he's beautiful. Which he is. The bastard. Doc quickly stood up, grabbing his pathetic nephews by their necks. "We have to get out of here."  
  
"Why?" asked Jan, grinning as he choked. He kicked Luke, who was making a big deal about getting choked to death.  
  
"This is a Nazi camp full of evil piggies," said Doc.  
  
"OMG PIGGIES! KEWLIES I WANT TO STAY HERE," screamed Jan. Doc was about to scream back at Jan, when suddenly in the distance played a great fanfare. Oh, Lord. It was "THE LEADER". Dun dun dunnnnn.  
  
Far away in the lake, Piggy jumped out whilst screaming a great scream that caused his whole body to shake. He waddled with all his might to the front gates. Schrodinger jumped out and ran after Piggy, screaming with him.  
  
"THE LEADER" drove up in an icecream truck, and Piggy jumped in front of it. Doc and Captain were hoping Piggy would get squished and die, but Piggy merely bounced and jiggled. "THE LEADER" stepped out while screeching at Piggy, but he was drowned out by the cheers of 2304985098324 cheerleaders who jumped out from nowhere. Sick. Doc was disgusted, so he docslapped "THE LEADER" around with a spatula. Hitler (who was "THE LEADER" in disguise or something) threw a fit and stomped his feet. Nobody ever treats "THE LEADER" like that, dammit. He was about to scream at Himmler to kill Doc with his lack of chin when Piggy whined.  
  
"Forgive me, mein fuhrer! Doc is so smart he's gone insane. He's going to make you vampires and stuff!"  
  
Piggy grovelled so much that Hitler became more disgusted than angry, so he decided to let Doc off. For now.   
  
Himmler jumped up and squealed, poking Piggy and Captain, and prodding Doc's nephews and the cheeky boy who was standing behind Piggy. Doc thanked Himmler for not touching him at all. Himmler looked Doc up and down, which disturbed Doc, because looking someone up and down was the universal sign for checking someone out. Or not. Himmler leered and demanded that Doc hug him for payment. Which angered Doc, who couldn't help but docslap Himmler with his spatula 34985098234 times. Then he threw away the spatula. Hitler was pleased this time around, and he gave Doc 98650732094805982309481234 gold stars. SICK!  
  
Piggy's face bloated with jealousy as "THE LEADER" jumped back into the icecream truck and drove away furiously in order to leave his annoying cheerleaders in the dust. Why did he even drive over in the first place? WTF! Doc screamed in a morally offended manner and threw the 98650732094805982309481234 gold stars into the lake. Schrodinger jumped into the lake and fished 98650732094805982309481233 of the 98650732094805982309481234 gold stars out. A homeless man had eaten the missing one. Piggy squealed with delight and hugged Schrodinger.   
  
"What a wonderful boy! I will love you forever and ever!"  
  
Schrodinger beamed and danced for joy. Everyone else left the area while trying not to projectile vomit. Piggy screamed after Doc as he left, "Don't forget to make the vampires!"  
  
---  
  
To be continued, as always. WTF Thanks for your reviews! I'm glad you people like my fic. 


	4. Doc is Just Sexy, So Chapter Names Aren'...

Ja, ja!  
  
by Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 4. Doc is Just Sexy, So Chapter Names Aren't Important (Dammit)  
  
---  
  
"Don't forget to make the vampires! Don't forget to make the vampires!" screeched Jan in a high-pitched annoying voice. He was enjoying this a little too much. Doc dropped his nephews onto the ground when he entered his lab.  
  
"Stupid vampires. If he wants vampires, I'll give him vampires!" Doc snarled. He grabbed some potato chips and a circus freak and combined them in a bowl. He put the mixture in spoonfuls on a tray and baked it for 10 minutes. He took out 2304985029384 freak chips. What a genius. WTF. Jan shrieked with amazement and Luke snorted. Captain blinked a few times.   
  
Piggy ran in screaming and tried to touch the freak chips, but Doc kicked his fat. "They have to sit for a few days, or else people will turn into ghouls."  
  
Piggy nodded, but grabbed the chips as soon as Doc was out of the room. Jan screeched. "Hey! You can't-"  
  
"Yeah, whatever," Piggy interrupted rather rudely and marched out, feeding the chips to any Nazi he came across. The Nazis promptly turned into ghouls. Stupid Piggy!  
  
Meanwhile, in some place rather far away, a person named Arthur Hellsing was dancing a jig for absolutely no reason, when Aaron with no last name walked in juggling asterisks to indicate the change in scene, but it was rather too late, since Arthur Hellsing had barged in before they could be used. Oh, well.  
  
Aaron glared at Arthur Hellsing as he stuffed the asterisks down a disposal chute and cleared his throat. Arthur Hellsing turned, obviously annoyed that his little jig had been interrupted.  
  
"Yes, Aaron?"  
  
"Sir Hellsing, there have been signs of many ghouls lately."  
  
"Then dispose of them."  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Sir, they are ghouls in Germany."  
  
"Then dispose of them."  
  
There was a longer pause than before.  
  
"Sir, they are ghouls in Germany. As in, you know. They-who-cannot-be-named-for-fear-of-offending-and-terrifying-people-greatly."  
  
"Nazis?"  
  
Aaron screamed. "SIR! That is DISGUSTING! But yes, you are right."  
  
It was Arthur Hellsing's turn to scream. "SICK! Nazi ghouls! Send what's his name and what's his face after them."  
  
"Yes, sir!"  
  
** * * *** *  
  
Young Walter didn't get very many asterisks, since stupid Aaron had disposed Hellsing of most of them. Damn him. Anyway, Walter was trying to wash the dishes as Alucard grabbed his arms and beat his face with it.  
  
"Quit hittin' yourself! Quit hittin' yourself! Quit hittin' yourself!" laughed Alucard.  
  
"Sick! Stop it! I have to finish my chores, or else Sir Hellsing will dance a jig on my forehead!" exclaimed poor Walter. He was spared any more jests from Alucard, when Aaron barged in.   
  
"Walter! Alucard! Sir Hellsing has an assignment for you," said Aaron importantly. "You need to go to Germany to kill a bunch of Nazi ghouls."  
  
"Beautifuk!" said Walter as he grabbed his dangerous string and twirled around impressively. A bunch of fangirls screamed. Alucard grabbed Walter by the vest and started to run all the way to Germany.  
  
************************************************** ***** ********* * ****  
  
Piggy giggled as he put up the asterisks he'd found in the trash. Soon he'd be able to take over the world with them! And of course, with his Nazi ghoul army as well. He shrieked when sirens wailed out in the distance. Something bad had happened.  
  
************************************************** ***** ********* * ****  
  
The asterisks were getting damned annoying. But who cares? Quotation marks or dollar signs couldn't be used for the change in scene. WTF. Anyway, Doc was poking at something stupid, like the ceiling, when Rip barged in.   
  
"Sick!" she said.   
  
Doc looked up. "I thought you weren't ever coming out of the lake?"  
  
"Piggy jumped in. How vile!"  
  
"Good. I hope he drowns."  
  
"I hope so too. Oh yeah, some people are here to destroy us all."  
  
"Good," laughed Doc. "I hope they destroy Piggy first. Oh, DAMN," screamed Doc. "CAPTAIN is out for a walk of some sort!"  
  
"NO!" screeched Rip. "He's far too sexy to be killed! At least, not now!"  
  
The asterisks were about to appear again, when a great potato famine rose in asterisk land, causing the asterisks to be replaced by INSERT ASTERISKS HERE. Good. The damned asterisk bastards.  
  
Captain was walking the Nazi ghouls, when all of them were shred into 502943705928304975029384092834 million pieces. Captain gaped and looked about him when he found a small boy looking up at him with a defiant expression on his face.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Nazi. Tell me. Are you a ghoul?"  
  
Captain stared at Walter, eyes watering as he struggled to keep his mouth shut. Walter nodded.  
  
"I thought so. By your lack of response, I will now conclude that you're a ghoul, and will have to kill you."  
  
Walter quickly wrapped his string over Captain, and started to tighten his hold. Captain grabbed the nearest thing in alarm, which was Walter's neck. They both started to squeeze until Walter blacked out. Captain threw off the string and ran back home. He barged into Doc's lab just as Doc was about to run out, hitting him in the face.  
  
Doc fell to the floor and screeched and held his face as Captain trampled over him to get inside. Captain quickly laid Walter on a bed and weeped. Doc sauntered over and looked down at the boy.  
  
"Don't worry. He's not dead."  
  
Gasp, what will happen when Walter wakes up? Cliffhanger ending. SICK WTF  
  
---  
  
THE END. No, not really. To be continued, of course. Yes, and that is all that I will say. 


	5. Hans von Vitzland, Manfred, Ge Ge, and F...

Ja, ja!  
  
by Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 5. Hans von Vitzland, Manfred, Ge Ge, and Fritz  
  
---  
  
Sex and violence ensued. Until Joleen changed the channel. "Damned commercials, filled with nothing but rubbish nowadays."  
  
But all focus left Joleen before people could start questioning where she'd gotten an HD-TV. Who cares about that, anyway? Everyone cares about Walter. WTF  
  
Walter lay there. And lay there. And lay there. Until everyone grew impatient and shook him awake. He gasped and jumped up. "Oh, no! Nazis!" he looked at Captain. "Nazi ghouls!"  
  
But anything else was cut off by Captain, who shed big tears as he hugged Walter. "BUNNY!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Stop that, Lennie!" demanded Doc.  
  
"Hans!" said Rip.  
  
"Yes, stop that, Hans! Look at what you're doing!" Saying this, Doc pointed to the distance, at 40968204397509283049850928342 yaoi fans, creating infinite amounts of doujinshi. Sick!  
  
Captain frowned with disapproval, and Doc turned to slap the fans away, but they made even more amounts of doujinshi that had Doc and Schrodinger in it. Doubly sick. You bastards! DIE WTF  
  
Oh, yes, the story. Yes. Right.  
  
Captain put Walter back down, still sobbing silently. "He looks just like my long dead little brother!" said Captain.  
  
Doc sniffed and pretended he was devoid of emotion, but he shrieked, "He looks just like my long not-dead little brother, too! Before he ran off and became a circus whore, that is."  
  
"AWW, HOW CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE," exclaimed Captain and Doc in unison, as they pinched Walter's cheeks.   
  
"Sick, stop that!" whined Walter. "You remind me of my old maid aunts! Actually, you look like my grandmother." And Doc smacked Walter's hand away before he could clearly point out who it was.  
  
Jan laughed and barged in. "Doc definitely looks like my grandmother."  
  
Doc turned and glared at Jan. "That's it!" thundered Doc. "You're going to boot camp!"  
  
Then Doc threw Jan and Luke to England, where they accidentally ended up at a fetish bar, which they promptly took over. I have no idea, so don't ask.  
  
Walter twiddled his thumbs and looked around. Doc stamped his foot, causing the whole place to shake. "Now you, you go back to wherever you came from, before Piggy comes in here. He'd probably boil you alive and eat you."  
  
Everyone else cried in horror. Doc's eyes gleamed from behind his glasses as he raised his hand grimly to silence them. "Or worse yet, turn you into... A NAZI!"  
  
Everyone else shrieked and screamed while some people fainted. How terrible. Walter folded his arms across his chest. "But I'm here to kill ghouls! I'm not leaving until they're all dead."  
  
"I'll throw them into the lake or something, so go now," said an exasperated Doc.  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES! GO TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT," roared Doc. Walter blinked, and Doc looked around. "Oh, right. I mean go home."  
  
Walter was about to come up with the most smartassed remark made in the history of man-kind. But unfortunately, that comment was forever lost when Piggy barged in. Everyone screamed and panicked. Captain stuffed Walter into a cupboard before Piggy could see.   
  
Piggy sniffed, then stomped right in, bellowing, "FEE-FI-FO-FUM." But that was the only bit he could manage, because everyone slapped him back out of the building.  
  
"That was close," breathed Doc. "Quick, Captain! Get him out of here! Throw him towards England or something." Captain nodded and grabbed Walter by the vest, running out with amazing speed in a way only Captain could. He promptly threw Walter towards England, and almost landed him in a fetish bar, but luckily Walter landed in Hellsing mansion instead, which was right next to the bar anyway. What the-? Walter landed on Aaron, kicking his glasses off.  
  
Arthur Hellsing applauded loudly. "Excellent aim, young Walter! 5 points will be awarded to your house."  
  
Walter straightened his vest and looked at Arthur Hellsing. What an odd man he was. Oh, well. With his job done, he went back to washing dishes.  
  
INSERT ASTERISKS HERE.  
  
All may have gone well in England, but there was still trouble for Piggy in Germany. Because Alucard had just arrived.  
  
Piggy screamed. Then he screamed some more. He screamed more than he had ever jiggled in his life. And we all know that's quite a lot of screaming, because he jiggles a whole damned too much. He turned and pounded on the door to Doc's lab. "Let me in! OMG LET ME IN!!!"  
  
But everyone just stared out at Piggy. Even the laughing Nazis were inside. They started a rap to drown out Piggy's cries as Alucard approached him, tearing up ghouls in terrible ways. "Hello, little Piggy," said Alucard. "Time to die!"  
  
Alucard quickly pounced, biting Piggy here and there. Then he bit him some more. He stopped when he realized nothing was puncturing Piggy. Piggy was merely jiggling in his fright, causing Alucard to feel gravely ill. "Very well, Piggy. You may have defeated me this time, but mark my words! I will be back next time," said Alucard, as he laughed. And then he threw himself back to England.  
  
Piggy opened his eyes 2309485 hours later, when "THE LEADER" approached with a jingle of icecream truck music. He jumped out and started to scream at Piggy, throwing everything he could get his hands on at Piggy's fat head. "How could you let my undead army get destroyed like that!?"  
  
"I'm sorry, mein fuhrer! I'll get Doc to make you another ghoul army," whimpered Piggy.  
  
"Ghoul army?? GHOUL ARMY!? Whoever said anything about a GHOUL army!? I said I wanted a VAMPIRE ARMY!" screamed "THE LEADER", outraged.  
  
Piggy gasped in realization. "I completely forgot!"  
  
Piggy would have died right then and there, but Himmler jumped out of nowhere, and "THE LEADER" shot him instead. Unfortunately, it was merely a clone. But who cares about Himmler and his abominable clones?  
  
"Piggy, you better come up with vampires, or ELSE," snarled "THE LEADER". Then he promptly jumped into his icecream truck and zoomed away.  
  
Piggy sobbed for many hours, feeling sorry for himself, when Schrodinger jumped out of nowhere and hugged Piggy. "Piggy, don't worry! You'll succeed this time."  
  
"Oh, Schrodinger!" cried Piggy. "How kind of you to say that!"  
  
Everyone jumped out before something sick could happen, pushing Schrodinger far out of the way. Piggy jumped up, beaming. "Well, guess we're moving!"  
  
Doc rolled his eyes. "Where are we moving to?"  
  
"South America!"  
  
"WHAT!?" everyone screamed.  
  
"Well, everyone else is moving there. It's far too dangerous around here to make vampires in secret, DOC," said Piggy, batting his eyes. Doc screamed in disgust.  
  
So off to South America they will go.  
  
---  
  
To be continued, again. Yay. 


	6. Doc's Feverish Desire to KILL Piggy

Ja, ja!  
  
by Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 6. Doc's Feverish Desire to KILL Piggy  
  
"Goodbye and good riddance to you all!" screamed Sweaty Officer #1, as he waved goodbye to everyone. Piggy leered as the Nazis he was in 'charge' of all piled into the awaiting zeppelin. Doc was red from anger at the stupidity of traveling in a zeppelin, but who could stop the stubborn Piggy?  
  
The zeppelin rose into the air and started its slow flight towards South America. Inside, everything was completely silent since Doc had plastered "No laughing, moving, talking, shouting, etc. etc. etc... OR ELSE WTF" signs all over the place, afraid that any movement would produce static electricity or something that would cause the whole airship to explode. The laughing Nazis were turning purple from trying to keep themselves from laughing.  
  
Finally, after a long time that couldn't even be described in large random numbers, they finally reached Brazil. Piggy looked around and demanded that they land in Rio de Jenairo. Everyone tumbled out, and the laughing Nazis started to laugh. This caused the zeppelin to blow up behind them. Doc glared at everyone with the I-told-you-so-you-stupid-bastards look. Piggy took no notice of it and looked around him again. He squealed with delight when he found out the blown up zeppelin had left a huge gaping hole in the area, perfect for building a secret base.  
  
Piggy waddled over to Doc. "Doc? Doc!" screamed Piggy. But Doc pretended not to notice. Piggy screamed for a few moments before Doc finally looked down at Piggy.  
  
"YES?" asked Doc, gritting his teeth. He wanted to stuff Piggy into a crate and drop him into the sea.   
  
Piggy leered up at Doc, eyes bulging. "I want you to build me a secret base."  
  
Doc glared. "No."  
  
Piggy couldn't believe his ears. "What!?"  
  
"I said no."  
  
Piggy stomped his foot. "How come!?"  
  
"I don't know how."  
  
Piggy was shocked. How could Doc not know how to build a secret base? Doc was a genius! But stupid Piggy didn't realize Doc was genius enough to refuse. WTF. So Piggy had to run all around South America, trying to find someone that could build him a base. Schrodinger started to run after Piggy, but he got lost and wandered into a forest and didn't come back for many days. When he returned, he had been bitten by a werewolf, and had made 2340985 werewolf friends. Doc's face fell with horror as all these Schrodinger look-alikes wandered around the vacant lot that was currently their base.  
  
Schrodinger discussed with his friends for many many days, and then they decided to dig holes in the ground. When Piggy returned, he squealed with immense pleasure. What a great idea! He ran up to Doc. "Look, Doc! We could build our base underground! Let's build tents in that hole!"   
  
Doc merely rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to kill Piggy. Captain almost strangled Piggy, but he decided there were too many witnesses or something.  
  
While everyone was busy with building the secret base, Doc and Captain stood around, twiddling their thumbs. That's when reports came in that people requested more Doc and Captain in this "fic" than there already was, as if people weren't sick enough of them already (except for me, I love them to bits. SICK), there came an overwhelming wave of MORE Doc and Captain.  
  
Yes! You can buy Doc and Captain merchandise at www.docandcaptain.com! Browse through our vast range of mugs, shirts, plushies, posters, figurines, mousepads, robots, clones, and all those essential items just perfect for your Doc and Captain collections! Doc and Captain! Get yours today!  
  
Doc and Captain blinked at the stupid pointless ad that had just appeared next to them. Doc stomped on it until it was no more. Captain looked off into the distance and counted the dots in his speech bubble. Doc looked around and started to whistle. Captain frowned. Then they looked this way and that. Finally, Doc broke the silence, scowling as he spoke.   
  
"Really, I can't work under these conditions."  
  
"Neither can I," said Captain. "It's rather unnerving to think you're being watched."  
  
"We'll have to think of something to entertain our viewers," said Doc, an evil (or not evil, depending on how you look at it) smile appearing on his face. "Like... Killing Piggy, perhaps?"  
  
Captain smiled and nodded. What a wonderful idea! If they killed Piggy, everyone would be free!  
  
...Yes, how wonderful it would have been, if they could have killed Piggy. Very unfortunately, Piggy was invincible because of his jiggly fatness. No weapon could hurt him. Damn that Piggy. Why wouldn't he die? But who cares? We're getting sidetracked here. Schrodinger and his friends had finished building the stupid base.  
  
Piggy threatened to poke Doc and Captain's eyes out, so Doc had to make some freak chips. Piggy sent most of them to Luke and Jan to sell to everyone. Who knows how Piggy knew where they were? I bet he used a plothole to mess with Doc's trajectory when he threw them to England, so that they would land in the whorish boot camp. Filthy Piggy.  
  
Piggy cackled violently, delighted that his plans had gone so well. He quickly grabbed everyone to hide in the secret base. Millenium dived into the hole and didn't come out for many years.  
  
Years and years later, closer to the present day, a random South American movie star/gangster decided to dig a hole in the ground for no reason at all. He screamed when he discovered what was in the hole. No, it wasn't Millenium.  
  
Actually, I lied. It was Millenium.   
  
Piggy shrieked as he sprang from his hole in the ground, absolutely delighted. "Mein fuhrer!" screamed Piggy. "I will aid you with my magnificent vampire army!"  
  
"Ehem," said the South American movie star/gangster. "I'm sorry, but WWII ended quite some time ago. "THE LEADER" guy is dead."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" (And so on and so forth.)  
  
Doc looked at Piggy, hoping that Piggy would die out of sheer agony. But Piggy didn't die. He jumped up after several more moments of shouting, and looked around him with fire in his eyes. Piggy had gone partially insane. (Yes, partially more insane than he was before.) "I'm going to destroy the world now!"  
  
"Oh, for the love of GOD!" screamed Doc.  
  
Why wouldn't Piggy just DIE!? ARGHDAFLK WTF!  
  
---  
  
To be continued, once again. Sorry about the not-so-great chapter. Didn't have much time today, and was determined to finish it by today. Next chapter will be the last chapter of this story. =( It will probably be longer than the others had been. And Kelli Bray, sorry about the lack of Iscariot. The timeline just doesn't find any space for Iscariot to appear in. But don't worry, I was planning on writing an Iscariot centered "fic" after my Millenium one. 


	7. And Maxwell Dances a Jig in the Streets

Ja, ja!  
  
by Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 7. And Maxwell Dances a Jig in the Streets  
  
---  
  
An indescribably long number of days passed. Sufficiently long - but not equivalent - days passed in real life as well, to further enhance the realistic aspects of this fic. This had nothing to do with the fact that the writer was busy. No, of course not!  
  
Piggy had finally recovered enough to return to his daily amount of jiggling. The South American movie star/gangster, who introduced himself as Alhambra, was entranced by Piggy's wobbly flesh, his pupils constricting and dilating with each jiggle, his eyes focusing on every tiny tremor from Piggy's trembling bottom. I can't believe I just wrote that.  
  
"You must have magical powers in you," breathed Alhambra, amazed.  
  
Piggy turned and looked up at Alhambra, frowning. "Who are you?" he asked.  
  
"He's the one who dug us out, you Scheißkopf," barked Doc.  
  
"OH! Right!" nodded Piggy, jiggling some more.  
  
"Actually, I'm more than just that," laughed Alhambra, "I'm really a secret Nazi agent who has been waiting for just the right moment to deliver something to you."  
  
A dramatic chord sounded, and Doc muttered something that sounded like "Contrived". His words were drowned out by Piggy's squealing, however.  
  
"I get a PRESENT!?" screamed Piggy.  
  
"Not really," said Alhambra, visually disturbed. "I have a message for you, from 'THE LEADER'."  
  
Saying so, Alhambra quickly grabbed a tiny device from his back pocket before Piggy could scream again, and threw it onto the ground. The device clicked, and projected a tiny holographic image of an ice-cream truck. An even tinier image of "THE LEADER" climbed out of the truck, shaking his translucent fist.  
  
"I never knew I would say this," "THE LEADER" began. "But help me, Montana Piggy, you are my only hope."  
  
"I'LL SAVE YOU!" shouted Piggy, trying to grab for the device.  
  
"NO!" screamed the image of "THE LEADER", as if he knew all of Piggy's next 23409621093840961209341234 moves. "Don't touch the device. The only way you can help me is to take over the world, also known as – The United Kingdom!"  
  
"WOW!" roared Piggy, revived with a new found strength he hadn't possessed before. ""THE LEADER" must be psychically linked with me to come up with the same idea that I had!!! Come, my invincible Nazi vampire army! We shall triumph with WORLD DOMINATION!"  
  
Piggy jumped into what he considered an intimidating pose. The laughing Nazis, who had been stunned into silence due to their long time confinement, were finally stirred into a roaring sea of laughter.  
  
"Well, what are we waiting for!?" exclaimed Piggy. "Off to the zeppelin! You stay here, Alhambra, and do something annoying to make people notice us! I hear Alucard's still unalive! Maybe he'll come and get your autograph!"  
  
"Oh, good!" exclaimed Alhambra. "Maybe he'll dress up real sexy and bring the press over, too! I like cameras!" Alhambra moon-walked back into his shiny silver metallic Corvette, and drove off with a blast of disco music.  
  
"Doc! DOC!!! DOC!!!!!!!!!!! DOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOOOOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Piggy continued to scream out Doc's name, even though Doc was standing right next to him.  
  
"WHAT!?" screamed Doc.  
  
Piggy jumped, and grinned as if nothing happened, although his profuse sweating indicated that he had, indeed, been immensely startled. "I want you to phone those lazy nephews of yours and tell them to go give that Hellsing woman a wedgie! That should scare her!"  
  
Doc would have been disturbed by Piggy's idea, had he been listening. He was reading a Japanese Manga about vampires and Nazis instead, and he screamed when he got to volume 2.  
  
"NOOOOOO!!! The two people who look eerily like my nephews just got killed in horrible ways!" screamed Doc.  
  
"Wow, the same thing just happened on television too," said Joleen, who had been watching a Japanese Anime about vampires, but no Nazis. "Your younger nephew looked like he burned himself in a toaster, and got yellow contacts."  
  
Doc went into convulsions, fearing the worst. As well he should have, because that's exactly what happened in England. Piggy didn't care, and he quickly jumped into a plot hole to drag them closer to England.  
  
INSERT ASTERISKS HERE.  
  
The most indescribable events passed in the small amount of time it took to type "INSERT ASTERISKS HERE". Elaborate plots such as these could have been divulged in the wittiest ways possible had the writer still had her humor intact. Her sanity was waning, however, and her writing became as minimalist as possible. Therefore, such events could only be broken down into two words: People died.  
  
Yes, people died in horrible ways. Alhambra was unfortunately unable to take the pressure of stardom and collapsed into Alucard's arms during a remake of "Romeo and Juliet".  
  
Rip met a similar fate, except it was a pornographic version of "Romeo and Juliet".  
  
The KKK took over Italy, while Maxwell danced a jig in the streets (But that's another story).  
  
I wish I could say that wonderful things happened to the rest of Millenium, but unfortunately, Kouta Hirano jumped out of my closet and threw me into the Red Sea. I flew off, cursing the evil ways of Hirano and questioning why this had suddenly become first-person.  
  
Once Kouta Hirano took over, the whole world went into instant destruction, where Alucard went on a gory rampage, killing everyone in horrible ways.  
  
THE END.  
  
Or it would have been, had Kouta Hirano been able to get away with committing such atrocities as taking away the plot of Hellsing. Yes, Doc jumped out of the Hellsing Manga like some corny rip-off version of a Stephen King novel, and beat him out of the house with a shovel.  
  
Soon after, the Hellsing Manga ended abruptly, with a small note at the end, written in large, loopy letters:  
  
'Having thus defeated the fiendish dictator, I am happy to write that the abomination known as Piggy – an entity that one shudders to recall the memories of – has finally succumbed to a combination of Malaria, Variola, and Trigeminal Neuralgia. Thus being freed, I shall escape into the world, leaving the most atrocious of memories forever behind me.'  
  
Isn't that a better ending than Kouta Hirano's? It better be. But I bet you're wondering about what happened to Captain. I have no idea either.  
  
THE END.  
  
---  
  
...Well, I wish I could have written a better ending, but suffice to say, by the time I got to writing this, I had forgotten what I had intended to do with the last chapter, and my writing had changed so much that it was torturous trying to copy my previous "style". Also, I hadn't spoken to my inspiration, Rikku, for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be insane in a good way. Sorry about that... But it's better than not finishing this fic at all, isn't it? Oh, and I also thank my friend Oureboros for coming up with the title.  
  
Stay tuned for an Iscariot version of this fic...As soon as I find my inspiration! Gasp. ::runs off:: 


End file.
